GENERAL ORDER Number ONE
I. Purpose
The purpose of this general order is to formally establish guidelines, benefits, expectations, and duties for the overall operation of being a grandmother.
II. Scope
This general order will apply to all grandmothers everywhere, must be followed to the letter, and shall be available at all times for review.
III. Discussion
It has long been recognized that grandmother duties are important to three generations of persons: the children, the parents, and most of all to the grandmothers themselves. They are necessary for bragging rights, picture taking sessions, for philosophizing, and for listening to the stories of "when I was a little girl".
The hugs, sticky kisses, and lap-love serves as therapy for all involved.
IV. Definitions
Grandmother- a term used for anyone who provides care, love, and hugs to a child , not always relation. This person generally has gray hair, a big smile, and mega patience. The word "Grandmother" is the most beautiful word in the English dictionary.
Parent- someone who has suddenly figured out how much his or her parent has learned in the last few years. The parent himself knew it all at sixteen, and again at twenty-one, but he or she realizes now that the grandmother has sharpened up quite a bit since then. A parent is also someone who originally thought that running a house and taking care of children was child's play. Now, for the grandma, taking care of the children is really "child's play".
Children- any loving little beings who have faith in the grandma to stop all hurts, fix all illnesses, be the security, love no matter what, and always have the right kind of cookies in the cookie jar. These individuals are good at asking questions, eating peanut butter sandwiches, smearing jelly on the table, maneuvering the grandmother into not going to bed, and in saying the right loving thing at the right time.
V. Requirements
Hours can be of the 24-7 type: twenty-four per day, seven days per week. Some travel is needed. No educational requirements, but previous child care experience desired. Grandchildren will provide computer training, schedule of T.V. shows, how to play games, and information on what Dad said to Mom and what Mom said to Dad, plus what the neighbor said. Reading aloud skills are essential. A complete First Aid Kit is appreciated (must have decorative band-aids).
VI. Applicants
Successful applicants must be loving, caring, patient, and tireless. Must have comfortable laps, a cookie jar, and soft pillows for throwing.
VII. Included Duties
Care-giver- task requires rocking chair, teddy bear, afghan, story books, and wet wash cloths. Other items which may prove helpful are videos, computer games, play dough, and a bulletin board for artistic pieces unequaled by any body else's grandchildren. This bulletin board becomes the "Museum of Art- Extra Ordinaire". Outside, a hose with a sprinkler can sometimes come in handy, and make an ordinary day extra special.
Playmate- need balloons, crayons, scrap paper, dolls, trucks, sand, and buckets. Should have an attic or storage room with old clothes for dress-up, sewing machine for making doll clothes, and a special technique for finding lost whistles, blankets, and sandals.
Mentor- Need feathers, rocks, balls, pine cones, bird books, field glasses, magnets, and hair barrettes. Also need scrap books, doodling paper, rubber bands, and puzzle books. Must be able to explain operations at the hospital, growing old, wrinkles, heart attacks, varicose veins, death, birth, heaven, and God. Also, applicant should have negotiating skills, referee knowledge, and must know the rules of the game.
Historian- Need a camera, birthday candles, films, and lots of albums. Also, will need paste, tape, and washable everything. Applicant will need calloused hands for applause at recitals, ball games, and award presentations.
Counselor- Will need to know how to tell your granddaughter how to know if she is in love. This advice will need to be seasoned with a smile, a hug, and a way to quickly change the subject. When she asks you why you married Grandpa, be ready to answer with more than "just because he smiled at me". Then when she asks why Aunt Ellen married Uncle Robert because he's so bald, and fat, not handsome, and has false teeth, you must be able to cover your smile, and explain to her that he was young, slim, and handsome once, and that to Aunt Ellen he is still gorgeous. When your grandson asks how it feels to be old, give him a victorious arm in the air, and say, "Wonderful! If I weren't old I wouldn't be a grandma, and if I were not a grandma, I wouldn't have you to love!"
Benefits
Refrigerator artwork, telephone calls, e-mail messages, hugs, kisses, love, love, and more love. No salary increases have been factored into the budget, no retirement, and no job perks. There is a possible promotion to great grandmother if clientele is satisfied, and if the cookie jar contents are kept ready.
Endorsements
Being a grandmother is the most gratifying volunteer opportunity ever provided. We can give love, receive love, dream about the wonderful things our grandchildren will accomplish, put them to bed with a goodnight kiss, and be there for them when they need a lap. It has been said that there are a lot of spoiled kids out there, but why not, grandmas can't be spanked.